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THE SECRETS OF CONJUGAL LIFE
The marriage anniversary of Gurudeva Dr. N.K. Sharma (Reiki grand master) and Dr. Savita Sharma was on thirteenth of September. This ideal couple was busy popularising Reiki in Bangalore on that auspicious day. But how could his disciples forget this blessed opportunity. All celebrated with great enthusiasm, love and bonhomie the marriage anniversary of Dr. Sharma and Dr. Savita Sharma. The whole day was filled with sentiments of happiness through a number of sweet and entertaining performances. When the sacred flower of love blossoms in two hearts its fragrance is bound to spread throughout the world. Fountains of music, dance, art and meditation started flowing. This was the twenty-first marriage anniversary of revered Gurudeva Dr. N.K. Sharma and Guruma Dr. Savita Sharma but they displayed such conjugal love as if they were married right now. This loving couple has been together shoulder to shoulder in every field of their life. They feel so lonely without each other and even their faces betray this desolation. This time Dr. Sharma went to Banglore ahead of Dr. Savita Sharma. Dr. Sharma acutely missed her till she had not arrived. In fact few of his disciples had to gather courage and say to him “Guruji, please do always bring Guruma along. We all can see how you miss her.
Thousands of people look up to this ideal couple with regard and trust so that they could make their conjugal life happy, taking inspiration from them. So in this issue we are presenting the questions and answers regarding their happy conjugal life from revered Dr. N.K. Sharma. At the end we all at the magazine pray to the Almighty to give revered Dr. N.K. Sharma and revered Mata Ji Dr. Savita Sharma happy, healthy and blissful long life. Let us always continue to receive from them their priceless guidance.
Which couple doesn’t want to spend a happy conjugal life? but few succeed in this goal. This is a strange paradox and mystery of life. Raising curtains from this mystery of life are happy and ideal couple our Gururdeva Dr. N.K. Sharma and his better half Dr. Savita Sharma. We are presenting here the questions asked by the magazine and their answers for your knowledge. The interview was taken by popular writer of Hindi Surendra Nath Saksena.
Q. You keep saying that society cannot progress without all round development of women. What constitutes this according to you?
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) It means freedom, expression, art and talent of a woman should be respected. They should be given freedom, support and respect to develop their personality. If it is not done her personality won’t blossom. This will have bearing upon her off springs and family both and as a result whole society would be affected and will fail to progress.
Q. What should husband and wife do to enhance their mutual love in married life?
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) The coming together of two energies man and woman creates society. The vehicle of family has two wheels – man and wife. It’s necessary for the progress of family that both have equal level and speed. But the society has made the male representing wheel bigger and the one representing female smaller. To a great extent male ego is responsible for this. When a man accepts the whole personality of woman and allows it to blossom only then the fragrance of love is born of it. On the contrary if the man has ego then love doesn’t stand a chance. And what most men appear as expressing love is not real love but different forms of ego. In this regard my opinion is that one should love whole life and marry at the time of death.
Q. What is the actual meaning of your statement, please say in detail.
A. (Dr. N.K.Sharma) Actually marriage in our time has come to mean one’s proprietary control over the other and when you own someone it doesn’t remain human but becomes an object and then you stop regarding its sentiments. For the same reason two lovers respect each other very much. They make sure they look their best, give each other nice gifts but all this love doesn’t live anymore. Before marriage the tresses of beloved are the messengers of monsoon but after marriage if the same hairs are recovered in meal they create a ruckus. The woman too doesn’t give the same love and regard to man as wife as she used to give her beloved because by an by she starts getting acquainted with the real nature and temperament of her man. Now in the place of love my thought, my opinion, my preferences, my expectations and such calculations start and the women begins to feel that now there is no getting away from this man. When such emotions of fear, compulsion, repression, subjugation and inequality come into play how there can be the chances of love and felicity between the couples?
The true happiness of conjugal life can only be experienced when man and wife live like lovers even after marriage. They should retain the love, regard and fascination for each other that used to be before their marriage. Let us start at this point that marriage is not a bondage but an opportunity a long spaced one in which you are to develop your love more and more. What happens actually is often the opposite -- earlier you feared separation from the beloved but now you know where the woman can go since the wed-lock is legal. So with the acquisition of the desired woman the disposition and sentiments of lover begin to end and those of a ruler start. Before marriage you liked to go as per the wishes of your beloved as per his own whims and sometimes the reverse too! These days in most of marriages man and woman both try to dominate over each other. So love becomes the casualty in marriages because where ego rules there cannot be any possibility of love. That’s why I say one should marry from the social point of view but should actually marry only after spending the life in love.
Q. What in your opinion is the meaning of love?
A. (Dr. N. K. Sharma) love means accepting the personality of each other. There does not arise any question of control or supremacy, for love will suffer death there. The principal of love is submission, giving sharing – not keeping expectations or asking from the other. Love itself fulfils all your expectations . because tending, caring are the products or result of love. There is no limit of expectation or demand created by us. One is always more occupied with expectations than love (that the other partner should do this for me or that for me). But true love is always sans expectation. It does not have any demand. That is why it gives happiness and this I’m not saying as a bookish or ideal thing but from my own experience in our conjugal life. If the husband and wife are not receiving love from each other it means something is definitely amiss somewhere. If you want to live like a King then only give don’t ask for anything and keep expending your expectations if you want to live miserably like a pauper.
I am saying only what I am living like; these things holy men cannot tell you. I have personally experienced all this in my life. Not withstanding that I am a male, I have always tried to work for the upliftment of women. That is why after our marriage I tried to arrange for everything for Savita’s development. We were actually childhood peers. We lived in the same place, grew up together so Savita’s development was to the optimum. She accommodated herself beautifully to all circumstances and developed her merits.
It’s for the same reason that Savita has her own distinct personality and identity. She is demanded in her own right in her vocation also.
Q. You both appear filled with love and peace. It seems you cannot live without each other?
A. As far as possible we eat, sleep, live and do things together. During the workshop also we are together. If we go separately we feel we cannot live away from each other. I left for Bangalore a little earlier and people spoke to Savita ‘please don’t send him alone.’
Q. So beautiful and loving relation between a couple is nothing short-of surprise in our times. It must have some basic foundation, what is that?
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) Actually right from the begining we both tried to do whatever we could for the happiness and growth of each other without expecting anything in return we wanted to be free from expectations which yield only sorrow. Right from the beginning of our friendship whenever I saw her happy I felt happy. She too felt happy I felt happy seeing my happiness.
Q. Did she not expect or demand any thing from you as wife?
A. When you honestly love your wife you tend and take care of her well and this frees the wife from all expectations from you. When you accept your wife’s personality, her freedom, merits, temperament, regard her, encourage her and co-operative her in whatever ways she wants to develop herself why she would keep any expectation or demands from you. Bless her, Savita has not asked anything from me till date neither ornaments, apparels nor anything else. She is satisfied with whatever we have and that almighty has blessed our moderate needs.
Q. Usually women keep presenting some demand or other before their husband. What’s the reason behind her not making any such demands?
A. The reason is a deep awareness for life and the vision to recognize the fount of happiness. Savita had been aware of this truth that keeping pretensions and ego will only generate sorrow. She does not believe in creating any impressions and lives in her own natured way. Most of the women are driven by feeling of competition with each other but she is totally free from that. She also does not want to hoard more than what’s the need. She has deep experience of this truth that wealth, fame, possession and social ego is the cause of unhappiness actually. That’s why she has not thought about these extraneous things even once. A woman who has received personal freedom, expression and true love remains quenched to her very being these demands to not retain any meaning for her.
Q. You did not have any difference or mild altercations in your married life for twenty one years?
A. Differences of opinions are certain; they are natural, at most a natural law. If we give freedom of expressing their opinion to all two people will certainly differ. If the man does not repress the wife like a tyrant the woman too shall have her own opinions and ideas. When wives keep nodding yes, yes before their husbands like a slave does to its master then it does not reveal truth but compulsion.
Everyone has his own opinion or viewpoint depending upon his previous birth, family and social values. Rather than looking for accommodative simlarities in wife if the man starts admitting her identity and personality the root of conflict starts to wither. This applies to both parties.
Second reason that I think of is why the other person should accept / obey my beliefs. To make the other subscribe to your beliefs is all enforcing these on them. Then there is enforcing or imposition. Conflicts or quarrels will certainly come up there. How love or peace can stand a chance there?
The problem is created where husband or wife start thinking about each other that he or she should have such temperament or thinking etc. I do not think like this. I see it this way – ok her temperament is like this. I confirm my efforts to give it a positive bend and leave the solution to happen in its own time.
If we mates are free from our egos then suggestions of fair sex have much importance. The husband/ man cannot often look woman from that emotional or practical angle. True love does not judge but accepts completely the life partner. It accepts with open heart his/ her habits and temperament.
In the initial days of our marriage we had minor differences of opinion. But gradually we got to understand each other. We examined the real problem with impartial eyes and our differences went on dissolving. Today we have harmony of opinion to almost ninety percent. Savita has not come to acquire this to escape routine squabbles with me but through her own experience of truth. Husband and wife have to proceed by understanding each other’s temperament and limits of thinking for obviously not everyone has same depth of thinking.
Quarrels happen only because of not understanding this.
Q. How far you have understood women?
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) I have personally felt that ever Good failed to understand women because feminine temperament is entirely opposite of masculine. To take a decision from women’s level a man has to prepare himself. If the couple is living harmoniously despite having entirely opposite temperaments then it is proof that they both have shed their egos and understood each other’s reality.
Q. You do not have male ego then?
A. I did not let even one percent male-husband ego come over me. I never thought this was woman’s work and that one a male’s work. I did all household chores with the single desire of helping my beloved / wife whether it was dusting, washing, dishes, cooking, washing clothes or tending to the kids or even beautifying our home. To this date I possess interest in household chores.
Fundamental thing is that most of the husbands think that household tasks belong solely to women. They will spend 15 to 20 minutes chiding their wives over small things like why the clothes, food or room is not tidily done while correct under standing is this that all chores are our households and I will do it myself. Do not wait for your wife to do them.
Q. In most of the families the husband and wife keep quarreling over financial matters but it’s not so in your case, why?
A. First thing as Savita and I have understood it deeply money is not the source of happiness or love. So we have given money importance only as per its need- like a means to an end. For this reason in the initial days of our marriage we lived in a metro Mumbai by hiring a small corner of a room for Rs.300/- rent monthly – and that too with much joy and peace. This very approach of Savita is responsible for not having any money quarrels between us. Second reason is we have never used money or our standing to show off before people and society because we both have been familiar with this truth that such actions only boast ego and create sorrow.
The biggest secret of our life is our egoless behavior and being connected with true fount / source of happiness in life and always shirking pretenses.
Savita’s heart has seeds of Indian values of the Indian women. That’s why even at the highest station of her life she remains devoted and engaged in work like a normal woman.
One more reason for our harmonious relation is that while Savita is living her completely professional life and also remains quite busy she still looks after the responsibilities of family and home completely and attentively.
Q. Most of the husbands remains pressed between the demands of wife and mother these days and thus suffer from mental conflicts. What is its solution?
A. It also depends on this how deep the impressions of selfless love the parents have cost on their children. On growing up only those memories draw children to their parents which have this element of selfless love. Apart from this what Sanskaras or sacraments the bride is bringing over from her parents too affects very much. The economic, social and cultural level of family also affects the relation between family members.
True love is never so weak as to fail to tie someone. Most of the parents do appear loving their parents but is it’s not real – only of give and take nature. The parents who rear up their children with future expectations shall get nothing except sorrow. We are also rearing our children but this sentiment that they are guests sent to us by God-we are to nurtune them from utmost love and then send to their flight.
We are not hearing them with even one percent of calculation regarding the future. Most of the kids remember when they grow up only those memories of their father where Hey ruled them high handedly, repressed their thrilling or even punished them. When the parents try to impose their thrilling and wishes on them naturally they will try to get away from them when they grows up.
If the parents want to remain happy:
- Do not let your kids understand, from the beginning, that your money is theirs only let them be self-reiant.
- Immediately after marriage coach your son and bride about your family culture, preferred food habits etc. and then hand over to them family responsibilities. Then retire pleasantly to your room and spend your time peacefully there – and do hang the board of ‘consultation room’ before your room so if they have any problem or need your guidance they could come to you. But if the parents, especially the mother keeps interfering imposing her thinking on the couple there is no chance of peace love or happiness in that family and parents alone are responsible for this.
The son’s attraction for new family (bride) & natural and if some parents fail to appreciate this natural law, obviously they would be unhappy.
The sons who give more importance to the past (mother-father) than the present (wife-kids) it’s but natural for their family to be unhappy both should be cared for in balanced manner neither less nor more.
The parents should retain their prestige by being self reliant rather than asking for anything. If you care more for assisting family than your ego-only then peace is possible.
Q. Almost ninety percent of the love marriage turns unsuccessful. But yours is our obvious example of most successful love marriage – why it is so?
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) A man and woman does not face twenty four hours the actual responsibilities of family, financial liabilities or the issues of daily life so their actual natures don’t come before each other. This happens only after the marriage. My opinions, my thoughts, my preferences non existent earlier, now begin with marriage. Let us understand it this way that the veil of deceit and appearances breaks their destroying the love marriage.
Second important thing is with what conceived notions we enter into marriage. If the husband is marrying with this thought that woman will come who will entertain me, satisfy my sexual needs, clean the home, cook food, manage the entire house, tend to all the family members then honestly speaking it’s not a marriage based on love but a marriage based on needs – and love doesn’t stand a chance there – love is only pretense there. Such marriages are in fact a system to bring a royal house maid home.
There is no doubt regarding this that a woman’s work is also to look after the family but in place of love it’s born out of compulsion so that one has to do it and attend as such. Household chores and tending to the family members is the equal responsibility of both; the goal of marriage is becoming true partners of each other and not making the bride do everything like a tied cow; -bliss can arise only then.
Q. Had your wife been illiterate or orthodox in views or quarrelsome and may be in other profession than Reiki what would you do then?
A. Every situation has its own benefits or weak points. I do not say that to incur gains or losses from these is in our own hands. The company of unworthy wife made Socrates reach even the loftier ideals of Spirituality. Actually wrong or unworthy people become the indirect causes of making society go towards spirituality faster and not the virtuous people because the typically opposite state of things introduce you to the reality. You will naturally be peaceful before a gentleman and not disposed to feel but it is only a state and not the reality. You can get distracted by that – if you are calm not driven to feel anger even in adverse state and only then it would be deemed true.
So had my wife been unworthy it would have helped me a lot in becoming spiritual fastly and to judge myself my life would have other experiences and dimensions then because to extract the right from wrong is my very nature and I would have discovered the colours of life even in that.
And in case of being illiterate she would be docile and I would have to make her a horse out of donkey with continuous driving but then she would have the benefit of emotional intelligence being illiterate because that’s what most of the educated women lose and her Reiki definitely would have been strong because the illiterate women have often intense unquestioning faith.
And had she been in some other profession I would have to strengthen my emotional life which I usually overlook due to Savita’s presence – so finally whether to derive happiness or become unhappy from a situation is our own choice. This way it would be like this, that way perhaps like that. My concern is only that something happened; let it be this or that.
Q. What are your opinions regarding sex?
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) Sex is the choiced blessing bestowed on us by God. We should approach it with feelings of purity considering it sacred and should be fully partaker of as per our need. What is the need to run away from that? And love should result in sex and not the other way round. When sex is born out of love then it is not sensual or based on selfishness – then it is sacred and venerable.
Q. But why most of the Indian women feel disinterested towards sex?
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) Unless women have deep respect and love for their husbands it is only natural for them to feel disinterested in sex. Healthy sex relations ar only possible when a woman’s virtues, personality and individuality is fully respected by the husband and he does not use her like a machine to quench his thirst or as an alternative to find release induced relief. Why such a woman would not be loving towards her husband?
Q. How much of sex you think is okay in married life and till when? All our spiritual figures stress too much on celibacy.
A. (Dr. N.K. Sharma) There is nothing inherently good or bad holy or unholy in this world except the right use or wrong use of a thing. Sex is a lofty energy bestowed on us by God and using it throughout in married life is healthy, I think.
I am not at all in favor of celibacy. Because celibacy should happen by itself and if it doesn’t, its repression must have dangerous consequences. Most of the holy men who are inclined towards renunciation and celibacy are found to be excessively egoistic, anger-ridden and suffering from terrible diseases. We should never approach sex with feelings of guilt but regard it as a biological need of body. One should use it in the right manner and not abuse it. My personal experience is that a man becomes calm, loving, energetic and free from violence by using sex in positive manner. Not only this he also liberates himself from many diseases.
The views of Gurumata Dr. Savita Sharma on this subject:-
Q. What in your opinion is the most important thing for happy and successful married life?
A. (Dr. Savita Sharma) I think the most important thing in married life is the understanding of each other’s nature and also to keep strong faith in each other. If this is present then all other differences and problems are settled amicably and the married life becomes successful and happy.
It is but natural to have differences but they should be settled peacefully with mutual discussion. And two people should marry only when they have true love for each other. It is generally seen that egos of man and wife clash after they are married; but where the couple has love for each other it soon replaces ego and the ego becomes neutralized and as a result their mutual differences vanish.
Q. Did you not put demands before Dr. Sahib e.g. money, ornaments etc. like other women?
A. (Dr. Savita Sharma) I received such Sanskaras or sacraments from my parents that I had this feeling of fulfillment right from the beginning. The thought of asking for things didn’t occur me even in dreams. I have felt right from the beginning that gild and topaz, money and ornaments never give true satisfaction. I have received regard, love and my full freedom and these alone I have returned to Dr. Sahib. He doesn’t care a bit for money or riches. We had good mutual understanding right from the beginning and accepted with grace whatever life gave us and struggled together to get ahead in life and appreciated each other whenever we had differences over some issue and solved it peacefully by sitting together; it never went to the extent of quarrels.
And moreover parents should always abstain from quarreling because it affects not only their conjugal life but that of their children also.
Problems of family bear most heavily on women. The husband ought to support his wife and give due respect to her – this makes life peaceful and filled with love. On the contrary those husbands who try to dominate or lord over their wives only complicate the problem instead of rectifying it. And this affects harmfully the physical and mental health of wife.
Q. How the happiness in modern conjugal life can be increased? The cases of quarrels and divorces between couples are increasing day by day.
A. (Dr. Savita Sharma) It’s the duty of the parents to give such values and sacraments to their son that he becomes an able husband; similarly the daughter should also be groomed in such a manner that when she goes to another family she endeavors her best to make their family life calm and happy with her gentle and caring nature. Likewise it is the duty of father-in-law as well as mother-in-law to give the girl the same treatment as they expect for their own daughter from her in-laws.
As far as the question of increase in cases of divorce in our time is concerned – this can be solved only through counseling and training. The boy and girl should get an opportunity to get familiar with each other’s thinking, opinion nature before their marriage. In our times their medical tests should also be agreed upon beforehand to be aware of their physical and mental diseases etc. if any. Many cases have come before us where the divorce happened because either of the spouse was suffering from a chronic disease. Besides this, marriage should be solemnized between families of same psychological, financial and cultural levels. Also the boy and girl should have such counseling and training before their future married life. Today life has become much fast paced and tense than it was in earlier times. With education girls are becoming more individualistic and liberated in thinking but most of the youth is still carrying the old fashioned male ego. That is why after the marriage their egos clash resulting in quarrels and disharmony. Hence it has become very important to give the would-be couple at least 6 month counseling by experts.
EVEN MERITS ARE DANGEROUS IN THE HANDS OF IGNORANT
Even demerits turn into merits in the hands of awakened one and merits turn into demerits in hands of a person whose consciousness is sleeping. The words like violence and non-violence, good and evil, merits and demerits after awakening end for ever, because the awakened soul possesses the art to use all of the above weapons for the good of all because their every action is suffused with the vibes of love and goodwill.
(Dr. N. K. Sharma)